A dear friend of mine sent me a chain email for Mother’s Day. It was a letter from an aging mother to her daughter asking for understanding, patience and love in the face of the trials and tribulations of aging. It asked for the same loving support that was given to the daughter as she grew up. The mother concludes by saying that all she really wants is to be with her daughter and enjoy her company. Well, that’s a lovely sentiment but, REALLY?
While the message was sweet in a sentimental, maudlin sort of way, and I know it was meant to inspire compassion, empathy and a sense of identification with both the mother and daughter, this idealized vision of the complex mother/daughter dynamic struck me as fantasy. It made me feel in equal parts annoyed and sad. I found myself mourning for a relationship that never existed.
I am an only child who is increasingly responsible for the care of a parent who, while she loves me deeply, can be stubborn, petulant, petty, manipulative, narcissistic, abusive and sometimes cruel. And then she doesn’t remember any of it. I am often torn between compassion for her ill health, loneliness and isolation, and rage at her bad behavior and unwillingness to take responsibility for improving her situation.
All of this ruminating led me to the creation of this Blog. It is no secret that there are enormous numbers of us who are either physically, financially or emotionally responsible for our elderly parents. There are growing mountains of advice and resources for caregivers, but very few outlets for venting the emotions of the outrageous, humorous, sad, ironic, frustrating, infuriating, painful and sometimes desperate situation we find ourselves in. I hope to provide a little laboratory of self-expression. Who knows what will bubble up? So bring it on. You are not alone.
Please reply here, if you like, or contact me at coadd12@gmail.com.
Excited for all of those fortunate enough to be in the “first” of your distribution sphere!
Thanks! More to come
As a professional in the field of caring for aging parents I am stunned by how years of experience helping others care for their parents does not even begin to describe how it feels to care for your own parents. Fortunately, I have the support of 3 siblings (my brother was the one that pointed me in the direction of your blog). I appreciate your sharing your thoughts as I am confident they will ring true for many of us.
I am sure your work affords you a very interesting perspective on this issue and I look forward to hearing from you further. As regards your own parents, it is amazing how different it all seems when you are personally and emotionally invested in the outcome. Thanks for your reply and thanks to your brother.
I look forward to sharing with devoted daughters. My parents are young so the journey has yet to begin.
Lisa, I’m sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you and your mom but I think this blog is a wonderful idea — as you write, there are so many people dealing with this challenging life cycle issue. I’m sure many will recognize their story in yours and feel less alone. My best to you and your mother. She’s lucky she has you.
Brava to you for starting this! Kudos & kisses.
Congratulations, DD — this is an exciting new project and I love your honesty. Aging is one of the hardest things to talk about (or even think about!) in our Western world. Looking forward to hearing about your journey with Mom.
Great idea to start this blog. Many of us are so unprepared to deal with this issue in our youth obsessed culture. We don’t even want to think about it! So thank you for bringing this forward. Good for you! xx
Thanks. Yes, it is hard to imagine our parents getting old and less competent until it happens. Even harder to recognize that all of us are headed in the same direction. I keep wondering if I will retain the lessons I am learning from witnessing my mom’s decline or if I’ll forget it all in a haze of dementia and just become another cranky difficult old lady. Maybe my daughter will show me this blog and I’ll be reminded!
thx,I can so relate to all….the only thing that comes to my mind when my elderly parents misbehave, is “the lesson”NOT to do the same with my kids !!
I think that’s what scares me the most.
That is a serious lesson. Maybe we can all remind each other when we are old.
Lisa, this is a wonderful and inspiring idea for a blog and I look forward to reading more. You are incredibly brave to share your experience so honestly. Your mother is very lucky to have you and I’m sure she recognizes that but it is still so difficult. Thank you for including me in your list of recipients. All the best, Laurie
Lisa,
Heartfelt and beautifully written: your experience with your mom mirrors mine in many ways and I thank you for creating a safe place where we can express our shared challenges with every aspect of this.
Love to you,
Judy (your old and dear friend from high school!)
I am slow to respond but will read your blog with interest. I hope it helps knowing there are others.
It helps knowing that there are others and it helps just getting it out. Glad to have you on board. Thanks.
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